We all have and need boundaries and we all need to explore those limits - but doing it safely and securely is a good way to go. I used to go rock climbing - it can be very dangerous - but not if you know your own boundaries and the security of your equipment and peers. Yes it scared me at first as it was a real test of trust - the rock, the people and the equipment.
So I started with the basics - I learned to test the ropes I was using, learned to tie knots and practiced maneuvers a few feet from the ground - not when I was higher up the cliff! I became a rock climber! [No I don't climb anymore but I toy with the idea of a climbing wall...]
I think climbing walls are popular because they do allow children and teens to test themselves against a boundary - all in a very safe and secure environment. Climbing walls did not exist when I started - we used real rocks : )
Giving your teens a solid boundary and not backing off when they scream and curse you out will help them. But don't make the boundary a frivolous one - you and your teen need to have a talk about the boundary - not on a day when they want to push it - but before then. Communication is never lost on a teen - it just seems that way to us parents....
Monday, February 20, 2006
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Parenting Teens
This is a difficult topic. No one can tell you how to be a parent. Like teens, parents are not amenable to listening to other people - at least not usually. If someone tells you that you need to be a stricter parent and to spend more time with your teenager when you do not believe this is the way to parent - would you listen to them?
Teens need rules. Teens do not need more and more freedom even though that is what they tell you they need and want. As a parent you need to set limits for all your kids - they bump against the limits and fight them but that is a good thing. It's how they learn what are the rules for our culture. If you keep moving the limits as kids bang against them - they never understand limits. Kids are very good at the "gimme gimme gimme" game and it is perfectly fine to say "no no no" to them.
Well not really perfect or fine .. but I never said it was easy having a teen in the house - in fact it can be downright nasty. When he was in his 20's and a fine adult - my son said "Did you know how much I hated you when I was a teenager?" I said yes - it's part of the parent - child scenario. The he reflected and said "You picked your fights carefully." We discussed this and I realized that I had done that since he was born. I was always a working mother, then a single parent and after his father died - his only family. I am also a psychologist who tried to practice what she preaches and picking fights is an important part of child rearing. Why make everything a fight? Kids love that - it gives them an edge - they know how to push your "buttons."
Early on I knew that toilet training was not going to be a battle ground - and it wasn't. Ear piercing and tattoos were also not grounds for fights. Why? It's his body. And besides - as he pointed out I had pierced ears.
We fought about school, driving and reporting where he was. The parents of all the kids who hung out together had agreed among ourselves that we would enforce these rules so no one could say so and so's parents don't do that and this was a huge help.
As I think about it now - it does take a community to rasie a child - especially a teenager and having a support system among the parents of the other teens is a big help - but you have to be in agreement even though you know the kids will hate you for them!
We lived in D.C. when my son was a teen and all too often we heard of teens dying in car accidents - either they were drinking and driving or driving too fast. And most of the time the parents had bought the cars for the kids. None of my friends bought cars for their kids and none of our kids had serious accidents - yes they had fender benders - but with our rules about drinking, seat belts and the distinct possibilty of not being able to use a family car - we kept our kids under control...and yes they all hated it....then - but now that they are nearing 30 - they see we did the right thing for them.
It's something to give thought to - it's okay for your kids to hate you....
Teens need rules. Teens do not need more and more freedom even though that is what they tell you they need and want. As a parent you need to set limits for all your kids - they bump against the limits and fight them but that is a good thing. It's how they learn what are the rules for our culture. If you keep moving the limits as kids bang against them - they never understand limits. Kids are very good at the "gimme gimme gimme" game and it is perfectly fine to say "no no no" to them.
Well not really perfect or fine .. but I never said it was easy having a teen in the house - in fact it can be downright nasty. When he was in his 20's and a fine adult - my son said "Did you know how much I hated you when I was a teenager?" I said yes - it's part of the parent - child scenario. The he reflected and said "You picked your fights carefully." We discussed this and I realized that I had done that since he was born. I was always a working mother, then a single parent and after his father died - his only family. I am also a psychologist who tried to practice what she preaches and picking fights is an important part of child rearing. Why make everything a fight? Kids love that - it gives them an edge - they know how to push your "buttons."
Early on I knew that toilet training was not going to be a battle ground - and it wasn't. Ear piercing and tattoos were also not grounds for fights. Why? It's his body. And besides - as he pointed out I had pierced ears.
We fought about school, driving and reporting where he was. The parents of all the kids who hung out together had agreed among ourselves that we would enforce these rules so no one could say so and so's parents don't do that and this was a huge help.
As I think about it now - it does take a community to rasie a child - especially a teenager and having a support system among the parents of the other teens is a big help - but you have to be in agreement even though you know the kids will hate you for them!
We lived in D.C. when my son was a teen and all too often we heard of teens dying in car accidents - either they were drinking and driving or driving too fast. And most of the time the parents had bought the cars for the kids. None of my friends bought cars for their kids and none of our kids had serious accidents - yes they had fender benders - but with our rules about drinking, seat belts and the distinct possibilty of not being able to use a family car - we kept our kids under control...and yes they all hated it....then - but now that they are nearing 30 - they see we did the right thing for them.
It's something to give thought to - it's okay for your kids to hate you....
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